Lists

2017’s Best: Headlines

Friday, December 29, 2017


Whenever our editors are out and about—whether at a party, or a fashion show or just walking down the street—admirers always ask the same question.


“Your stories have the funniest titles,” they’ll say. “Who writes them?” And we’ll laugh, and say something about it being a collaborative effort. But it’s time the truth comes out. Chained in AVENUE’s basement is a team of 20 soot-faced orphans (high society is predicated on a certain level of inequality, after all). Every morning, editor-in-chief Michael Gross tip-toes down the torch-lit dungeon steps, a cattle prod in his hand. “Have you written your headlines for the day?” he asks the children. “Or do I need to give you a jolt from Mr. ‘Inspiration?'”


“Please no, Master Gross, we have written them, sir,” they’ll whimper through tears. “D-d-deck the H-h-halls for Holiday House’s Winter Gala.”


“Good, good” Michael replies, rewarding them with a fresh apple core to divide amongst themselves.


The children are well-behaved, mostly, but they can occasionally get…unruly. “Oh please, Master Gross,” one cried out just last week, “might we have just a little more gruel for the day?”


“You insolent lollygagger,” Michael bellowed at him, “no slop until you’ve finished your work.” And he zapped the offending child.


But this punishment, fair as it was, seems to have depressed the children’s morale. Their output suffered—a recent article on fun ways to pamper your pooch was simply titled “Me Miss Parents.” A compromise was reached. If we spotlighted some of their best work, the orphans would get back to writing the headlines our readers know and love. So here begrudgingly, are some of our—excuse me, their—best story titles from 2017:


 


It’s the Great Boring, Tina Brown!


Hunter Bags a Wolfe


A Frickin’ Good Time


How Green was my Ballet


The Turtle Ball is a Shell of a Good Time


She’s a Brick (Lenox Hill Neighborhood) House


A Koched Out Birthday for Lincoln Center’s Biggest Fan


Su-su-studio: The Studio Museum Celebrates 40 Years


Lauders Laud and are Lauded


Just the Olfacts, Ma’am


Pier Pressure: Pirates Stars Gather


Work it, Fitch


Toast to a Smart Alec


A Hulava Good Time at Bette’s Halloween Bash


Prostate of Play


You Gotta be Whittin’ Me!


Prince Headlines Temple of Dendur (No, not the Purple One)


Paddling the Breast They Can


Childhood Stuttering Couldn’t Blunt Her Edge


Animal Medical Center Gala is a Diamond in the Ruff


Tartufo-Mania: Every Day We’re Trufflin’


Ho-Humm Sea Salt? Not at EMP Summer House


Lions and Tigers and . . . Beds? Oh My!


Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) ABT Gala


New York Thaws Out, and Frieze Returns


 



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