Misc

Ask Mindy: I’m Your Private Answer

Friday, July 27, 2018

Ask Mindy

Readers, it’s that time again: time for another “Ask Mindy.” Welcome back to the world of Mindy Morals, the “brake shoe guru” from Brushyknob, Missouri. Do you know the way to San Jose? Mindy doesn’t but she can get you to Insightville, population you In this installment, Mindy answers questions about privacy.


 


Dear Mindy,

I’m beset on all sides. My enemies hate me, of course. I can’t blame them, really—what else can you expect from haters and losers except for jealousy and spite? When you’re a tremendous success, everybody wants a piece. You can’t let it affect you.


But it’s the attacks from my so-called friends that have me angry and sad. Recently, a good friend—a loser chump who probably couldn’t pull babes like me and has a fraction of the money that I do, but a friend nonetheless—revealed that he’d taped me saying many unflattering things. It’s not that I don’t stand by my own words—I have the best words, believe me—but rather that some of the losers out there might not get how “real” I am.


What do I do Mindy?


 


Sincerely,


Sex Lies Audiotape


 


Dear Audiotape,

Wow, your story certainly rings a bell! When I worked at the Necco Wafer factory, my fellow confectioners and I would occasionally gossip about our boss. Nothing major, just a few jokes here and there. Well, word eventually got to him, and he started a taping system to monitor what we were saying. I had already left the company by that time, but if I hadn’t things could have gotten really rough for me!


But on to your question. Although you frame your question solely in terms of the taping, I think your real dilemma is a lot simpler: how do I deal with the end of a friendship? Unfortunately, it sounds like the relationship’s end may have been warranted. Judging by the superiority you seem to feel toward your former and friend (indeed, toward nearly everybody) it’s no wonder that he eventually tired of your companionship.


So forget about yourself for a minute, Audiotape. Try apologizing to your friend for taking him for granted. And who knows? Maybe he’ll respond in turn.


 


Dear Mindy,


I run a small bait and tackle shop somewhere in the deep, deep south. It’s not important where—just know that even without the Kudzu and the bayou beetles and the shotgun shacks that line the dusty roads, it’s hard to mistake it for anywhere else. It has a lonesomeness to it that makes a man feel himself.


But things have changed, Mindy. Recently, a family moved in across the dusty road. They’re not suited to the Southern lifestyle. The husband has some sales job in the city, the wife spends all day brewing her kombucha and stinking up the whole street, and the kids are always playing that infernal jazz music.


It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s my bait. My worms are the best in the Parrish because they are bred in complete silence. But with all the saxophone music coming over here, I’m worried they’ll be stunted and gamey.


 


Sincerely,


At Ease, Private


 


Dear Private

Ah, a good ole boy! I wonder if I can’t figure where you’re from…Mr. Morals graduated from LSU (and in less than 7 years—rare, I’m led to believe) and I know the bayou like the back of my griddle. Opelousas, Louisiana maybe? Or Hot Coffee, Mississippi?


Either way, I think I have the answer to your question. It sounds like you’ve been consumed with stewing about your neighbors that you haven’t even asked them to keep it down! Why not ask them to restrict their noise to a certain time of day so that you can grow your worms in peace? It’s worth a try!


 


 


Dear Mindy,

I’m worried about my bank account. The other day I went to the bank to check on my savings and they said everything was ok but then I went home and I got to worrying you see you never know how secure things are and so I called them up and I said hey this is Cletus [not my name] and I’d like the account info on account XXXXXX and they said well sir, we don’t just hand that out you need to be an accountholder for anything well that got me thinking, my cousin who isn’t an account holder, I gave him all the account information to see if he could help break in just to check the security and wouldn’t you know with my social security and my mother’s maiden name and all that he was able to withdraw $20.


What Do I do?


 


Sincerely,


Bank and File


 


Dear Bank,

Wow, a real life Brink’s Job! Believe it or not, I was once a bank robber. I went up and down the east coast, doing stick-up job after stick-up job, always escaping seconds before the coppers came. Yes, it was a fun life, but like all fun things, I had to give it up when I was pregnant with Mindy, Jr. (Don’t worry Sweets—Mommy still loves you!)


I’m just kidding, of course. (Or am I?) But your question reminds me of how much anxiety we all have around money. Sometimes, it can cause us to act very irrationally! I can’t really give you any concrete advice on how to keep your account protected, since I don’t work at a bank. But I can promise you that you have nothing to worry about—sadly, modern banks are incredibly secure.


But just to be sure, if your bank has a branch in the tristate area, maybe make sure that they’re using all unmarked, non-sequential bills? No reason, it just might give you a better sense of ease.


That’s it for this week, but Mindy is always taking questions. Need help solving your dilemma? Just email mindy@manhattanmedia.com. You just might read your answer in next week’s column.


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