Ask Mindy: Valentine’s Day Massacres

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Readers, welcome back to the world of Mindy Morals, the GPS (guide to perplexing situations) from Moscow, Idaho here to help you navigate any troubling situation. J.Lo says that love don’t cost a thing. When it comes to Mindy, neither does advice. This week, Mindy turns her eye toward Valentine’s Day.

Dear Mindy,

Happy Valentine’s Day! What do you and your husband have planned?

Well, whatever it is, I hope it’s something great. Because it won’t be great for me. I was recently dumped, Mindy. My girlfriend met a Portugese racecar driver named Stavros Júnior. It was electric between them, she told me. In a sudden rush and whirl, he made her realize just how flawed I was. My webbed hands, my bum leg, my refusal to tip for bad service—in her eyes, all of them turned from harmless quirks to unavoidable irritations in an instant.

I know my heart will heal eventually. But in the mean time, I just don’t know what to do with myself this Valentine’s. I can’t even leave the house. I can still hear her name as the wind whistles through the trees. “Eustachia,” it calls, in a voice sultry yet cold, “Eustachia.”

What do I do?



Lonely at the Bottom


Dear Lonely,

Thank you for your concern! Every year, Mr. Morals and I leave the city for a romantic weekend in Saddle River, New Jersey, where Mr. Morals grew up. Fun fact: Dick and Pat Nixon used to live two doors down! Once, my father-in-law even invited the former President over for his famous Fritata con Plantains. After observing how much Nixon enjoyed it, Papa Morals said, “We’ll have to do this again at yours sometime!” Tricky Dick looked down in embarrassment. “Mr, Morals,” he said, his voice quivering, “I am not a cook.”

But on to your dilemma. Although surveys have shown that Valentine’s Day is a popular time for couples to break up, it still comes as a shock when it actually happens. I know I can’t tell you not to think about her, Lonely. Nor would I tell you to go out on a date with somebody else—it sounds like the wound is still too raw. And I think your desire to stay in tonight is wise. Eating out by yourself on Valentine’s is never a good idea.

Instead, I’d suggest that you use this Valentine’s Day to focus on yourself. Order takeout from your favorite restaurant, or watch a movie that always makes you laugh. Do whatever makes you happiest and doesn’t require anybody but yourself. And whatever you do, don’t call her!


Dear Mindy,

My girlfriend and I are approaching our five year anniversary. We’re both in our early 30s, and have been living together for the past year. We’ve had some exciting Valentine’s Days in the past. One year, we both called in sick and pretended to be Columbia students. She took a class on Egyptology; I took applied math. (Guess which one was more fun!) Another year, I rented out all of Bergdorf Goodman for her. I wasn’t able to buy her anything, because there was no money left over after the exorbitant rental fee, but they gave us complementary water, which was nice.

This year, I have a particularly great plan: a hot air balloon ride over the Jurgielewicz Duck Farm in Moriches, followed by a homemade tuna sandwich I’ll be keeping warm in my coat pocket the whole time. Then, a nice LIRR ride back into the city. (She loves taking the train.)  But whenever I’ve hinted at this to her, she’s just gotten angry with me. “How about a ring?” she says, “How about that for Valentine’s?”

I don’t know what to do, Mindy! Am I headed for a V-day V-saster?



Do I Need a Plan B?


Dear Plan,

I’m sorry to hear that your girlfriend has reacted to your thrilling Valentine’s Day plan with such hostility. I love tuna sandwiches, and I think it’s pretty cool that your date involves two separate means of transportation.

But I can understand why she might be annoyed with you, Plan. You’re both at an age where a lot of people start to settle down. I wasn’t too much older than you when I had Mindy, Jr! It sounds like your girlfriend may be wondering whether the two of you have a future, or whether she’s wasting her remaining youth with somebody who can’t commit. I’m sure you think you’ve done a great thing preparing such a special evening, Plan. But to your girlfriend, it probably feels like you’re afraid to plan something else.

I’m not saying you should propose, Plan. Nor am I suggesting that you need to get married. But it sounds like you’ve been putting off a very important conversation for a very long time.


Dear Mindy,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy. We’ve only been together for two weeks, but everything has gone perfectly. Except for one thing. He still hasn’t asked me out for Valentine’s Day! I don’t know whether he’s afraid of coming on too strong, or whether he thinks I don’t want anything too serious, but I know that I don’t want to spend Valentine’s without him. Should I bite the bullet and ask him out?



Better Date than Never?


Dear Date,

Just because it’s February 14th doesn’t mean you can’t see your partner! Although some people treat Valentine’s Day like a state holiday, it’s really just another day in February. So I don’t think you should feel any embarrassment or anxiety about asking your new friend out for a fun evening.

But I would advise that you keep it as just that—a fun evening.  While I believe you when you say that your beau feels the same way about your relationship as you, I don’t think it’s wise to dive into a deep romance so soon. Let each step come to you gradually. Don’t even mention the “V” word—just keep it casual, queen!

Plus, if you guys are together for a long time, you’ll be glad you waited. That’s one less elaborate Valentine’s to plan!


That’s it for this week, but Mindy is always taking questions. Need help solving your dilemma? Just email mindy@manhattanmedia.com. You just might read your answer in next week’s column.


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